Why I Am Not A Feminist.

I am not a feminist. The reason is simple. I am not a feminist because I do not need a movement to tell me what I am and am not capable of. I do not need a movement to tell me what I can and cannot do with my life. I do not need a movement to tell me about equality and how to be equal. 

I do not need to be a part of a movement to know what it means to be equal. A movement that has confused equality for sameness. I do not wish to advocate sameness as sameness is just as dangerous and harmful as discrimination based on sex, gender, race, ethnicity, etc… How is that a movement can claim equality when so many of the feminist in the name of equality have been so much more about man hate in their actions? If we ever hope to be truly equal we must speak of all the obstacles that a person could encounter.  

Or perhaps we could take into consideration a great many things. Do we really need a movement to tell us how to live our life?

For me, I don’t need a movement. I know who I am and what I am capable. I can have my cake and eat it to. I can be the mother and have a career. And I can be both a fantastic loving mother who is compassionate and only wants the best for those she around her. I don’t need a movement to tell me that. 

I can be a good, loving, compassionate wife and mother and still be a strong, powerful career woman. At times yes it may be difficult especially with the way in which I would love to raise my children; especially raising three children in such a fashion. Yet a movement that claims to be about equality fails to recognize just that. That yes, it may become remarkably difficult to have what I want, but it is possible. 

I don’t have to be anything that anyone tells me to be. In doing so I will only be lost, forever confused about what I should do and who I am supposed to be. I can be equal without following a movement. 

I can be everything that I want to be without obsessing over differences. 

I don’t get cat calls or hoots and hollers. I get called lovely, beautiful, and compliments such as that. I don’t need to hook up to know that I am sexy and wonderful. I am equal to men and to everyone who exists. We are all equal, and we do not need a movement to tell us so.

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All I Want Is…

Lately, I have been thinking. I have been wondering one thing; only one thing. I have been pondering the idea of whether it is possible for one thing to happen. What is that one thing?

I have been wondering is it possible for there to exist so much love in our live, in this world, that there is no room for hate.

You see, I find that investing my energy in ill feelings towards another is exhausting.

I imagine that there is a place in this world for love; arguably there is so much room in this world for love that there is no room for hate. Love is powerful, it is flexible and stern. It is kind and compassionate. Love is everything.

A Little Note From Me to… Them

I. Love. Him. I love him. I love him very much. More than I could ever hope to explain to anyone. He’s everything that I have ever dreamed of and more. And she broke him. I’m sad. I’m angry. But mostly I’m lost. I’m hurt. More than anything I want to surrender. I want to surrender to these feelings. I don’t want to be calm and put together. Rather, I would love nothing more than to be in his arms and cry. I want to completely loose it and I want him to loose it with me. He’s hurt. I don’t need him to tell me that. It wants to be strong and to be brave. What he doesn’t know is that he already is. I want to feel safe again. I feel safest when I imagine being in his presence. It’s comforting. At times, right now, it’s too much to handle. IT’s too much to consider. At times, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and alone. Yet, I get this sense that he is lonelier than I am.

I need him because I love him. I do not love him because I need him.

I feel calm when I am around him. I feel safe and protected.

Sometimes, I imagine what life would have been  like if Tyler and I had never burned bridges so to speak. While the feeling is nice and is also calming, it’s calming because it feels innocent. However, I Tyler and I, we aren’t right for one another. The feeling is innocent. Yet, it’s not the same as Kevin.Sometimes I want to go into that state of innocence as I feel like I have lost that feeling. Like I’m not innocent. While Tyler is a good man, he is not Kevin. Kevin is sexy. Tyler isn’t sexy. He’s cute, much in the way that a child is. Rather, Tyler feels more like a child, like a good little boy who is so afraid to do anything. He’s private. Private in the sense that we are not supposed to voice our genuine opinions or piss anyone off because that would upset the status quo. I felt safe but not safe in a freeing sense. Rather, I felt safe in the sense that I was being a good statue girlfriend. With Kevin, it doesn’t feel like that. When I imagine a life with Kevin, if I could, it’s freeing. It’s freeing to surrender to him. It’s freeing because he doesn’t wish to control. He’s afraid and not afraid at the same time.

He’s afraid of being hurt again. Rather, he’s afraid of being betrayed again (we can call it that right? She did betray him). He’s afraid of letting go of her. Logical Kevin, knows her and him are done. However, emotionally, physically (We can agree that completely surrendering to our emotions is very much a physical experience) she owns him. She completely owns him and he’s afraid to let that go.     He is proud of himself; of who he is. He’s hard working (not that Tyler isn’t hardworking, he is very much hard working; they both are) and stern. Not mean but stern. I get this sense that there is a part of him that very much wants to be in a relationship; an intimate one that is open, that is raw, genuine. A relationship that feels safe. That is authentic. Where he feels safe to be him and I feel safe to be me.

Tyler use to tell me that I needed a filter. Often with what I perceived to be the implication that I was too open; too honest with him. If I’m being honest with myself, I would love to reconnect with him. However, only as friends. I would love to have that sense of innocence back. At times, I feel that I am no longer innocent. I feel like a part of me may have been taken away from me. I feel like I, to some extent, feel the pain and the rawness that Kevin may be feeling. However, I can’t tell if I am projecting my own feelings onto him or if he is really feeling these and sending off that message.

I want to honor him. I want to honor my own feelings as well. Him and I, we both deserve to be honored for who we are as individuals in any given moment. Even when we are not at our best. He deserves to be honored even when he doesn’t show up in a relationship. He deserves the best. As do I. Neither him nor I deserve anything less.

I want him to own me.

Casual Ramblings

I must say, that sometimes I am conflicted. Very conflicted and that it causes me great confusion. Right now, I feel conflicted and very confused. Incredibly confused, really. I want so much and, for the most part, I know what I want. Yet, there are various parts of me, as no individual is as flat and non-dimensional as we tell ourselves that we are, that other people are. 

Humans… They’re quite complex. Much more complex than any of us could possibly hope to explain.

 Each individual does something for their own reasons; never for our own. Each person makes their own decisions and as such each person should take responsibility for their own decisions.

I am responsible for my own happiness; my own clarity. Thus, I am responsible for creating the own life that I want. It is possible for me to have what I want without making compromises. 

In all honesty, I am awful at sucking things up. That is to say, that I want my cake and I want it to. In any aspect of my life.

Yes, I am selfish and at times greedy. In fact, I can be a bit of a bitch at times.  I want my life to be exactly what I want it to be. And the only person stopping me from doing exactly that… is me. 

If I Could…

It’s a confusing thing, love is. The past week or so has given way to an interesting set of events. I don’t mean to be completely objective, as I believe that it is nearly impossible to be completely objective. As humans we come with emotions and intentions. Emotions and intentions; they’re messy things. If I am being honest with myself, I love him. I miss feeling connected to him like I once did. He’s an amazing man; not a broken one like he believes he is. What exactly does it mean to be a “broken” man? To be a broken woman? Can an individual even be broken? I like to believe that there is no such thing as a broken man or woman. Rather, people undergo incredibly difficult, even traumatic experiences when it comes to love. If I could take away his pain, erase his trauma, I would. However, that is impossible. It is something that only he can… I don’t want to say overcome or deal with, I don’t even wish to say accept. Rather, it is something that only he can further heal from. I must say that there is a part of me that hates her; that hates her for what she did to him. How can someone do something so horrible to another human being? Why accept an engagement from someone and then break it off saying she wishes to sleep with another man? Sleep with other men? Connect with other men? It’s cruel really. Something no one ever deserves to endure. I feel that I cannot fully experience what it is that he experiences in his body. Emotions, they are physical. I cannot help but believe that while he may logically know that he and her are over. Yet, his body and his heart do not know that. I believe that there is a part of him that genuinely, authentically desires to be in a relationship. To feel that he is deeply desired. I very much wish to say to him, to show him that yes I do love him and that yes, I do wish to be with him and that I very much desire every inch of his being. However, I feel that since he has not taken the time to heal (perhaps he doesn’t know how to heal). I suppose I should explain. I have been seeing a man over the past several months. Prior to our meeting, he had been engaged to another woman. According to him, she broke it off saying she wanted to be with other men. Perhaps she was frightened that she was missing out with him being her first. However, I cannot understand this. In part because I do not have this pull in my body to be with numerous men. For me, one man is more than enough. As such, I do not feel much empathy for her.

He's a wonderful, hardworking stud muffin! What an old man!

He’s a wonderful, hardworking stud muffin! What an old man!

I love him very much. So much so that I know he needs time to heal. From what I understand and have experienced in general men seem to need their space and time to begin processing things; particularly when said things are emotional in nature. In short, it is because I love him that I must give him time and space, and to provide him with a safe place in which he can completely break down and show his most anxious, devastated self regardless of whether him and I fall in love, if we become friends, or if him and I never see one another ever again.