I. Love. Him. I love him. I love him very much. More than I could ever hope to explain to anyone. He’s everything that I have ever dreamed of and more. And she broke him. I’m sad. I’m angry. But mostly I’m lost. I’m hurt. More than anything I want to surrender. I want to surrender to these feelings. I don’t want to be calm and put together. Rather, I would love nothing more than to be in his arms and cry. I want to completely loose it and I want him to loose it with me. He’s hurt. I don’t need him to tell me that. It wants to be strong and to be brave. What he doesn’t know is that he already is. I want to feel safe again. I feel safest when I imagine being in his presence. It’s comforting. At times, right now, it’s too much to handle. IT’s too much to consider. At times, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost and alone. Yet, I get this sense that he is lonelier than I am.
I need him because I love him. I do not love him because I need him.
I feel calm when I am around him. I feel safe and protected.
Sometimes, I imagine what life would have been like if Tyler and I had never burned bridges so to speak. While the feeling is nice and is also calming, it’s calming because it feels innocent. However, I Tyler and I, we aren’t right for one another. The feeling is innocent. Yet, it’s not the same as Kevin.Sometimes I want to go into that state of innocence as I feel like I have lost that feeling. Like I’m not innocent. While Tyler is a good man, he is not Kevin. Kevin is sexy. Tyler isn’t sexy. He’s cute, much in the way that a child is. Rather, Tyler feels more like a child, like a good little boy who is so afraid to do anything. He’s private. Private in the sense that we are not supposed to voice our genuine opinions or piss anyone off because that would upset the status quo. I felt safe but not safe in a freeing sense. Rather, I felt safe in the sense that I was being a good statue girlfriend. With Kevin, it doesn’t feel like that. When I imagine a life with Kevin, if I could, it’s freeing. It’s freeing to surrender to him. It’s freeing because he doesn’t wish to control. He’s afraid and not afraid at the same time.
He’s afraid of being hurt again. Rather, he’s afraid of being betrayed again (we can call it that right? She did betray him). He’s afraid of letting go of her. Logical Kevin, knows her and him are done. However, emotionally, physically (We can agree that completely surrendering to our emotions is very much a physical experience) she owns him. She completely owns him and he’s afraid to let that go. He is proud of himself; of who he is. He’s hard working (not that Tyler isn’t hardworking, he is very much hard working; they both are) and stern. Not mean but stern. I get this sense that there is a part of him that very much wants to be in a relationship; an intimate one that is open, that is raw, genuine. A relationship that feels safe. That is authentic. Where he feels safe to be him and I feel safe to be me.
Tyler use to tell me that I needed a filter. Often with what I perceived to be the implication that I was too open; too honest with him. If I’m being honest with myself, I would love to reconnect with him. However, only as friends. I would love to have that sense of innocence back. At times, I feel that I am no longer innocent. I feel like a part of me may have been taken away from me. I feel like I, to some extent, feel the pain and the rawness that Kevin may be feeling. However, I can’t tell if I am projecting my own feelings onto him or if he is really feeling these and sending off that message.
I want to honor him. I want to honor my own feelings as well. Him and I, we both deserve to be honored for who we are as individuals in any given moment. Even when we are not at our best. He deserves to be honored even when he doesn’t show up in a relationship. He deserves the best. As do I. Neither him nor I deserve anything less.
I want him to own me.