No…Just No

Recently I have faced several frustrations within the past several weeks. Most of which has revolved around my weight. Often when I come home I suddenly feel mildly self conscious about my size; more so than I normally do. I know that my family loves me, and I don’t question the depth of their love, but sometimes I feel that my weight is the first thing that they notice when they first see me. They often make comments like, “You used to be so thin, and now you’ve gained back all of your weight,” or “You really need to loose the weight; you’ve gotten big.” I realize that they are simply trying to express concern. However, much of the time all I hear is, “You’re fat…again.”

It wouldn’t be fair to simply say that my family just make comments along the lines as previously described. You see, during my childhood I had been heavy (and had the nickname along the lines of Chunky Monkey; obviously meant to be endearing but…), and had lost a fair amount of weight (to the tune of 60 or so pounds) during my high school years. Naturally, when I went off to college I gained about 10 pounds in the first year and another 20-30 pounds from the DEPO shot. In some ways, I am disappointed in myself for gaining the weight again but had never beaten myself up. In some ways, I feel that I am kinder to myself than my family at times. 

Further adding to the frustration, my family often makes me feel as if I am larger than I really am, and that, perhaps I am somehow less lovable because of my weight. As I said before, I know that my family loves me dearly and deeply, and I don’t fault them for being concerned. 

I remember speaking to a friend about a month or so, and we were  connecting over lunch. I distinctly remember speaking with her about the way family often reacts when we visit home. She was telling me about how when she returns home, the first thing her mother seems to notice is whether she has gained or lost weight. As such she begins to feel self-conscious just before returning home; to the point that her eating habits change just before she returns home. Similar to how I am currently feeling.

I am well aware of how much I weight and I don’t need someone to point it. I am perfectly conscious of the “need” to loose weight. 

I certainly do desire to loose weight. I will not deny that. However, I know that for myself when someone brings attention to my weight or the shape of my body I become incredibly self-conscious. Quite stressed really. As a result it becomes noticeably more difficult for me to loose the extra pounds.  Often, I have thoughts a long the lines of: “I’m not working out enough” or “Maybe I’m eating too much.”  As such, due to the accumulated stress, it often feels that going to the gym and being aware of what I eat and how much I eat, doesn’t seem to do much. 

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My Deepest Desire

I write to you all as I lie weakly in the chair, passively watching Netflix. I have come to find that as I continue to investigate various pieces of literature from various individuals and several ideologies, whether everything that we have come to tell ourselves are of notable importance, are truly what is important. Is it so necessary that we strive for that next big promotion or that we obtain the greatest and newest object of interest? Will such things truly make us happy in the end? Why is it so important to us to conform in such a way that does not serve us?  Will it truly make us happy?  Continue reading

Why I Am Not A Feminist.

I am not a feminist. The reason is simple. I am not a feminist because I do not need a movement to tell me what I am and am not capable of. I do not need a movement to tell me what I can and cannot do with my life. I do not need a movement to tell me about equality and how to be equal. 

I do not need to be a part of a movement to know what it means to be equal. A movement that has confused equality for sameness. I do not wish to advocate sameness as sameness is just as dangerous and harmful as discrimination based on sex, gender, race, ethnicity, etc… How is that a movement can claim equality when so many of the feminist in the name of equality have been so much more about man hate in their actions? If we ever hope to be truly equal we must speak of all the obstacles that a person could encounter.  

Or perhaps we could take into consideration a great many things. Do we really need a movement to tell us how to live our life?

For me, I don’t need a movement. I know who I am and what I am capable. I can have my cake and eat it to. I can be the mother and have a career. And I can be both a fantastic loving mother who is compassionate and only wants the best for those she around her. I don’t need a movement to tell me that. 

I can be a good, loving, compassionate wife and mother and still be a strong, powerful career woman. At times yes it may be difficult especially with the way in which I would love to raise my children; especially raising three children in such a fashion. Yet a movement that claims to be about equality fails to recognize just that. That yes, it may become remarkably difficult to have what I want, but it is possible. 

I don’t have to be anything that anyone tells me to be. In doing so I will only be lost, forever confused about what I should do and who I am supposed to be. I can be equal without following a movement. 

I can be everything that I want to be without obsessing over differences. 

I don’t get cat calls or hoots and hollers. I get called lovely, beautiful, and compliments such as that. I don’t need to hook up to know that I am sexy and wonderful. I am equal to men and to everyone who exists. We are all equal, and we do not need a movement to tell us so.

Casual Ramblings

I must say, that sometimes I am conflicted. Very conflicted and that it causes me great confusion. Right now, I feel conflicted and very confused. Incredibly confused, really. I want so much and, for the most part, I know what I want. Yet, there are various parts of me, as no individual is as flat and non-dimensional as we tell ourselves that we are, that other people are. 

Humans… They’re quite complex. Much more complex than any of us could possibly hope to explain.

 Each individual does something for their own reasons; never for our own. Each person makes their own decisions and as such each person should take responsibility for their own decisions.

I am responsible for my own happiness; my own clarity. Thus, I am responsible for creating the own life that I want. It is possible for me to have what I want without making compromises. 

In all honesty, I am awful at sucking things up. That is to say, that I want my cake and I want it to. In any aspect of my life.

Yes, I am selfish and at times greedy. In fact, I can be a bit of a bitch at times.  I want my life to be exactly what I want it to be. And the only person stopping me from doing exactly that… is me. 

If I Could…

It’s a confusing thing, love is. The past week or so has given way to an interesting set of events. I don’t mean to be completely objective, as I believe that it is nearly impossible to be completely objective. As humans we come with emotions and intentions. Emotions and intentions; they’re messy things. If I am being honest with myself, I love him. I miss feeling connected to him like I once did. He’s an amazing man; not a broken one like he believes he is. What exactly does it mean to be a “broken” man? To be a broken woman? Can an individual even be broken? I like to believe that there is no such thing as a broken man or woman. Rather, people undergo incredibly difficult, even traumatic experiences when it comes to love. If I could take away his pain, erase his trauma, I would. However, that is impossible. It is something that only he can… I don’t want to say overcome or deal with, I don’t even wish to say accept. Rather, it is something that only he can further heal from. I must say that there is a part of me that hates her; that hates her for what she did to him. How can someone do something so horrible to another human being? Why accept an engagement from someone and then break it off saying she wishes to sleep with another man? Sleep with other men? Connect with other men? It’s cruel really. Something no one ever deserves to endure. I feel that I cannot fully experience what it is that he experiences in his body. Emotions, they are physical. I cannot help but believe that while he may logically know that he and her are over. Yet, his body and his heart do not know that. I believe that there is a part of him that genuinely, authentically desires to be in a relationship. To feel that he is deeply desired. I very much wish to say to him, to show him that yes I do love him and that yes, I do wish to be with him and that I very much desire every inch of his being. However, I feel that since he has not taken the time to heal (perhaps he doesn’t know how to heal). I suppose I should explain. I have been seeing a man over the past several months. Prior to our meeting, he had been engaged to another woman. According to him, she broke it off saying she wanted to be with other men. Perhaps she was frightened that she was missing out with him being her first. However, I cannot understand this. In part because I do not have this pull in my body to be with numerous men. For me, one man is more than enough. As such, I do not feel much empathy for her.

He's a wonderful, hardworking stud muffin! What an old man!

He’s a wonderful, hardworking stud muffin! What an old man!

I love him very much. So much so that I know he needs time to heal. From what I understand and have experienced in general men seem to need their space and time to begin processing things; particularly when said things are emotional in nature. In short, it is because I love him that I must give him time and space, and to provide him with a safe place in which he can completely break down and show his most anxious, devastated self regardless of whether him and I fall in love, if we become friends, or if him and I never see one another ever again.