I write to you all as I lie weakly in the chair, passively watching Netflix. I have come to find that as I continue to investigate various pieces of literature from various individuals and several ideologies, whether everything that we have come to tell ourselves are of notable importance, are truly what is important. Is it so necessary that we strive for that next big promotion or that we obtain the greatest and newest object of interest? Will such things truly make us happy in the end? Why is it so important to us to conform in such a way that does not serve us? Will it truly make us happy?
As I continue to expand my understanding of what I really want in my own life. What do I want my legacy to be? Do I wish for more money? Greater status? Perhaps I want to feel so incredibly intertwined, so connected to the world and the respective energies around me that it becomes near impossible to separate one energy from the next. To lead a life in which one continually opens and expands rather than further closing in and contracting into one’s self. I am not sure how such a life will play out. Ultimately, as does any one individual, I wish to lead a fulfilling life. Anything less would not be living; to simply exist as a hollow shell in the form of a body. As it stands currently, it appears that the only way to achieve such a deeply fulfilling life is to surrender to my deepest heart’s desire.
So what exactly what is my true heart’s desire?
Many a time as I lie by the pool, feeling the sun warming my skin, I cannot help but explore my own desires even further. Often when I am in such a moment, I am in a state in which words cannot possibly describe. I feel light and as if I am shining. Currently, my consciousness continues to tell to say that I want to be so deeply connected to a man. But not just any man. Such a man must be special. He must possess an energy that is rare; so rare and rather novel to experience that it becomes impossible to not be penetrated by him. He must possess an energy which inexplicably turns me on (spiritually and emotionally in addition to sexually) like no other. Furthermore, he must be wiling to continually engage in an ever expanding two-bodied connection. Lastly, he must remain true to his heart’s truest desire.
As I demand so much of a man, I must too uphold myself to such high standards. I too must continue to learn to further open myself an ever deepening connection with the life around me.
Yet, at times it can often feel noticeably difficult for myself to remain open at all times. Such holds true during times of great emotional turmoil. I find that for me it is during these times in which I am dealing with heavy emotions or residual emotions from previous experiences that is difficult for me to remain open with myself, much less to remain open to another human being.