Needless to say that it has been a remarkably long time since I have last written to y’all. Life has been rather busy with school and work and friends. But now, I have come home to Southern California to watch my sister walk at her high school graduation and to spend some time with family. Naturally, during this time, as there is infinitely more time, I plan to invest in a variety of books over the summer. What can I say? I’m a bookworm ;-). Mostly, I’d like to get back in touch with my femininity.
Often when I am at school I become rather stressed and seemingly loose touch with my inner femininity. Rather, I feel that I become masculine and as such am focused on only work and school and getting the job done. I wish that life didn’t happen in that way. I would much prefer to live mostly in my femininity, sparkled with masculinity. As such, I love coming home and being able to relax. Well… mostly relax. Mostly, I would like to slow down and be in touch with me.
I want to sit by the pool and feel the sun against my skin. I want the sun to penetrate me as no other.
I wish to lie by the pool and read a book. I want to exit the reality and enter the world of fantasy. Or perhaps delve even deeper into the respective comfort of self-help and wisdom.
I want nothing more than to become closer and more connected with the ones I love. To spend time with my grand mother, aunt and cousin. I want to become more connected with my sister, father, and mother.
Similarly, I want to become even more deeply connected with Cheney, my man. While not yet official, the relationship, whether that be friendship or romantic, there seems to be a sense of deep connectedness. In contrast to previous encounters, this connectedness is more emotional rather than sexual.
In many ways, it feels as if this were my first encounter. I’m not as frightened (at least consciously) as I have felt since the loss of my first relationship (and seemingly my own innocence). While, sometimes wished that things would progress further more quickly, his need to move slowly inspires a sense of safety in me that has not been there for some time. That is to say that I feel connected and as if I am living in the safety of his essence.
I feel that I am in a safe and secure place. That simply just speaking with this man is a safe place. Rather than a false sense of security. Furthermore, in contrast to previous experience, this place does posses a level of sexual attraction. Yet, this is not the only component, the only energy in the relationship. There seems to be a more emotional, more spiritual energy to this relationship. Rather, I wish so much to delve even deeper into his energy. To be even more open and loving to who he is. And for him to be even more remarkably penetrating.
Similarly, I want to further encourage my sister to become more open as she continues her journey as she develops more into the woman that she is. Rather, than acting as a teacher or mother, I wish to connect with her woman to woman. I get this sense that this will become vital in my life. As will be all the connections I make with countless individuals throughout my life time.