If I Could…

It’s a confusing thing, love is. The past week or so has given way to an interesting set of events. I don’t mean to be completely objective, as I believe that it is nearly impossible to be completely objective. As humans we come with emotions and intentions. Emotions and intentions; they’re messy things. If I am being honest with myself, I love him. I miss feeling connected to him like I once did. He’s an amazing man; not a broken one like he believes he is. What exactly does it mean to be a “broken” man? To be a broken woman? Can an individual even be broken? I like to believe that there is no such thing as a broken man or woman. Rather, people undergo incredibly difficult, even traumatic experiences when it comes to love. If I could take away his pain, erase his trauma, I would. However, that is impossible. It is something that only he can… I don’t want to say overcome or deal with, I don’t even wish to say accept. Rather, it is something that only he can further heal from. I must say that there is a part of me that hates her; that hates her for what she did to him. How can someone do something so horrible to another human being? Why accept an engagement from someone and then break it off saying she wishes to sleep with another man? Sleep with other men? Connect with other men? It’s cruel really. Something no one ever deserves to endure. I feel that I cannot fully experience what it is that he experiences in his body. Emotions, they are physical. I cannot help but believe that while he may logically know that he and her are over. Yet, his body and his heart do not know that. I believe that there is a part of him that genuinely, authentically desires to be in a relationship. To feel that he is deeply desired. I very much wish to say to him, to show him that yes I do love him and that yes, I do wish to be with him and that I very much desire every inch of his being. However, I feel that since he has not taken the time to heal (perhaps he doesn’t know how to heal). I suppose I should explain. I have been seeing a man over the past several months. Prior to our meeting, he had been engaged to another woman. According to him, she broke it off saying she wanted to be with other men. Perhaps she was frightened that she was missing out with him being her first. However, I cannot understand this. In part because I do not have this pull in my body to be with numerous men. For me, one man is more than enough. As such, I do not feel much empathy for her.

He's a wonderful, hardworking stud muffin! What an old man!

He’s a wonderful, hardworking stud muffin! What an old man!

I love him very much. So much so that I know he needs time to heal. From what I understand and have experienced in general men seem to need their space and time to begin processing things; particularly when said things are emotional in nature. In short, it is because I love him that I must give him time and space, and to provide him with a safe place in which he can completely break down and show his most anxious, devastated self regardless of whether him and I fall in love, if we become friends, or if him and I never see one another ever again.

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2 thoughts on “If I Could…

  1. I Am A Duncan says:

    I believe I know what he is going through… and yes, he does need time and space… but for how long, that depends on him. I am going through a same situation as well… except mine was more than 4 years ago when it happened… but even though at this moment I am on temporary break with my gf, it was hard for her to understand first, but now she do. Its harder to explain… but I hope he can manage to get over it and return to you.

    • hunnybunbabycakes says:

      I won’t say that it isn’t difficult for me because it is. Yet, just seven months before I had met him, I had gone through a very traumatic break up myself. Not to such an extreme as a broken engagement, but it was incredibly traumatic and heart breaking for me. As such, I can only imagine the amount of pain that he must be going through. It seems to be very traumatic and raw for him. While I know he needs his time, it is…. hm how to say this…. it is very… difficult for me to not say, “She’s just a dumb bitch!” Yet, I know that saying such things will only make things worse and does not serve us. At the moment it is best for me to simply surrender to any feelings that arise and fully express them through my body.

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