No…Just No

Recently I have faced several frustrations within the past several weeks. Most of which has revolved around my weight. Often when I come home I suddenly feel mildly self conscious about my size; more so than I normally do. I know that my family loves me, and I don’t question the depth of their love, but sometimes I feel that my weight is the first thing that they notice when they first see me. They often make comments like, “You used to be so thin, and now you’ve gained back all of your weight,” or “You really need to loose the weight; you’ve gotten big.” I realize that they are simply trying to express concern. However, much of the time all I hear is, “You’re fat…again.”

It wouldn’t be fair to simply say that my family just make comments along the lines as previously described. You see, during my childhood I had been heavy (and had the nickname along the lines of Chunky Monkey; obviously meant to be endearing but…), and had lost a fair amount of weight (to the tune of 60 or so pounds) during my high school years. Naturally, when I went off to college I gained about 10 pounds in the first year and another 20-30 pounds from the DEPO shot. In some ways, I am disappointed in myself for gaining the weight again but had never beaten myself up. In some ways, I feel that I am kinder to myself than my family at times. 

Further adding to the frustration, my family often makes me feel as if I am larger than I really am, and that, perhaps I am somehow less lovable because of my weight. As I said before, I know that my family loves me dearly and deeply, and I don’t fault them for being concerned. 

I remember speaking to a friend about a month or so, and we were  connecting over lunch. I distinctly remember speaking with her about the way family often reacts when we visit home. She was telling me about how when she returns home, the first thing her mother seems to notice is whether she has gained or lost weight. As such she begins to feel self-conscious just before returning home; to the point that her eating habits change just before she returns home. Similar to how I am currently feeling.

I am well aware of how much I weight and I don’t need someone to point it. I am perfectly conscious of the “need” to loose weight. 

I certainly do desire to loose weight. I will not deny that. However, I know that for myself when someone brings attention to my weight or the shape of my body I become incredibly self-conscious. Quite stressed really. As a result it becomes noticeably more difficult for me to loose the extra pounds.  Often, I have thoughts a long the lines of: “I’m not working out enough” or “Maybe I’m eating too much.”  As such, due to the accumulated stress, it often feels that going to the gym and being aware of what I eat and how much I eat, doesn’t seem to do much. 

My Deepest Desire

I write to you all as I lie weakly in the chair, passively watching Netflix. I have come to find that as I continue to investigate various pieces of literature from various individuals and several ideologies, whether everything that we have come to tell ourselves are of notable importance, are truly what is important. Is it so necessary that we strive for that next big promotion or that we obtain the greatest and newest object of interest? Will such things truly make us happy in the end? Why is it so important to us to conform in such a way that does not serve us?  Will it truly make us happy?  Continue reading

I’m Back! :-D

Needless to say that it has been a remarkably long time since I have last written to y’all. Life has been rather busy with school and work and friends. But now, I have come home to Southern California to watch my sister walk at her high school graduation and to spend some time with family. Naturally, during this time, as there is infinitely more time, I plan to invest in a variety of books over the summer. What can I say? I’m a bookworm ;-). Mostly, I’d like to get back in touch with my femininity.  Continue reading

A Declaration for myself

As the month of April approaches, I make the following promise to myself:

I will treat myself with the utmost respect. I will treat my body and soul as the art form that it truly is. I will feed it more fruits, veggies, and mostly grilled meats. I will exercise more regularly and to feel the wide spectrum of feelings and emotions.

Throughout the month of April I resign myself to treating myself with the nutrients and love that I deserve.

A little Hope

I want to be pregnant. I need to be pregnant. I have surpassed simple desire and have progressed to the deep seeded need. Lately, when I lie in bed and just take the time to feel and to sense, I feel like I can actually sense a baby kicking and squirming within me. This occurs despite being on birth control for the passed year and a half, and despite not being pregnant. At times, I believe that I should be concerned, yet these feelings often only increase my want and need to be pregnant.